


Brick by Brick

by Daejaetae



Category: Do Kyungsoo - Fandom, EXO, Kai - Fandom, Kim Jongin, Kpop - Fandom, Kyungsoo - Fandom, Lee Taemin - Fandom, SHINee
Genre: 2 endings, Baekhyun - Freeform, Bottom Lee Taemin, Chanyeol - Freeform, Chen/ Jongdae, Depression, Do Kyungsoo - Freeform, Five Stages of Grief, Flashbacks, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kim Jongin - Freeform, M/M, Oh Sehun - Freeform, Plot Twists, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Suho - Freeform, Taemin / Jongin, Top Kim Jongin | Kai, Yixing, a depressing one and a happy one, apperance from do kyungsoo, kim minseok/ xiumin, lee taemin - Freeform, taekai - Freeform, the only characters are literally jongin and taemin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-20
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-12-04 13:17:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11555988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daejaetae/pseuds/Daejaetae
Summary: Jongin recalls a better time in his life when Taemin was still alive. He deals with the conflicting emotions of love and hate, trying to figure out where he stands in life now that his best friend and lover is dead. While all of this is happening he experiences the 5 Stages of Grief.





	Brick by Brick

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING:  
> This book depicts an unhealthy relationship and a slight bit of emotional abuse. If you are easily triggered by suicide, abuse, self harm, curse words or mentions pornographic imagines, I advise you please not to read further on. Please know that I'm only asking you keep yourself safe and comfortable. If at anytime this book makes you feel unsafe please stop reading, don't worry my feelings won't be hurt.
> 
> Warning:  
> -unhealthy relationship  
> -emotional abuse  
> -suicide  
> -self harm  
> -cuss words
> 
> I WARNED YOU TWICE NOW AND I'LL KEEP DOING IT THROUGHOUT THE SHORT STORY. READ AT YOUR OWN WILL. Please take caution.

"I loved you. There were many things I wasn't certain of. But you.. you were the one thing I was strongly sure about.   
It was irrefutable to try and say I didn't love you. My friends said this because of the way I would look at you. My eyes would cloud over and focus on nothing but you. Taking in the sight of you was a struggle in its self. Your aura was enough to make me forget my name and all my morals. My darkest sins were lost in your eyes and my best deeds vanished into the crisp winter air. You were so breathtaking... I couldn't do anything but stare. Everyone but me knew how I felt. I was oblivious and foolish until the end. I remember thinking it was just a crush, nothing too serious and life changing. I thought the next day I would forget your sun kissed skin that glowed in the white winter, your freshly dyed auburn hair, and the way you had a habit of standing with your hands behind your back and your fingers crossed. Like every moment there was something new you wished would happen. You were supposed to work at the company in that small office for a week. But when you stayed longer my heart leap from my chest.

My small work space was across from yours, so I recall the frustrated sighs you gave, the laughs when you were on the phone, and the snores when you would fall into a light slumber at the computer. Something had to be perfect in order for you to approve of it, so I figured you would never approve of me. Just in those things you were so overwhelming for me. I was drab and unbecoming.

I felt so meek with you around, it seemed like the space I called my own had somehow shrunk. The paradox that was now my life had gotten better some how. With you, ironically, I also felt greater, I felt like I could take on the world like I could talk to anyone without being shy or having a panic attack. I felt content and happy just knowing you existed. I was drunk and high on you for weeks. 

Finally, it was you who made me come down from my state of glee. You had been there for now 1 month. I had gotten used to the smooth sound of your voice. Your every movement was familiar to me and everyone who had ever met you. My life was a wreck still. Finally, it was you who swept in like the spring breeze and made things beautiful and full of life again. Then it was you who became the nightmare I lived it. You were so perfect and I was so... un-perfect. Simply to put; I felt anything less than you wasn't good enough for a person like me.  
Each time I would see you enter the building that towered over the city; the endless floors and space seemed to close in on me again, I was left with no room to run and hide from you. I had to face you. Your voice was like smooth honey. It seemed to drip through the room, slowly traveling to my ears and to the others around me. We all couldn't help but intake everything you said. Astonishing, the way you spoke. You were intelligent, kind and thoughtful. When you spoke to me, I savored your words, I held onto our simple greetings and complex debates and short goodbyes. When you would leave the room it would be a lie to say that I wasn't discouraged. No, in fact, i was distraught. I thought I would never see the beautiful man that was you again. Call me dramatic or stupid. I did feel love at first sight.

The next day when you showed up again to the meeting, it took me by surprise. I thought you would be consumed with things other than worked and my long stares. Your movements were now erratic, and I did not like that. 

I thought you would slave away in the room across from mine. Again I just watched you like a child sitting before their favorite program.

I tried my best not to fall for you. I even went as far as to move away when I thought it was clear you weren't going away anytime soon. Over time you cleaned up your office, the hum of a vacuum resonated out from under the door. Boxes were brought in and set by your oak desk. Strange, I thought, but I left anyway. 

Some how, fate decided that I would not stay away from you for long. When I saw your sharp features across the road that following month when you left the company for good, I didn't stop my legs from carrying me to you. I didn't stop my voice from cutting a small "Hello" into the air. My presence was noticed immediately and it practically shocked me.   
You were much bigger than I, but I was older, more mature(but barely), more responsible and capable. But your approach to the trials and daily requests of life were better than mine. You handled things better, and thus you were the one that started our 10-minute conversation that soon carried onto texting for hours and occasional meetings at coffee shops. It bloomed into a friendship that I treasured. You were the first person that was able to see past my melancholy state that never left me.  
I wouldn't say I was happy, but I was not exactly depressed. I was just closed off, making me lonely. Which is why I welcomed you, Kim Jongin into my life so easily.....or at least you were welcomed after you pushed yourself past my borders which were so awfully guarded. You claimed my life for yourself, even though you didn't know that I'd willingly sold my tongue, mind, heart and soul to you. When you called my name, I came, when you cried I was there to hold you, and when you laughed, I laughed with you. I was dedicated to you;my best friend and my lover. There wasn't anything I wouldn't do for you.  
Do you remember the tender touches you gave me with your fingertips? I do. My body was a numb temple of angst and sorrow. But when you were against me; in me, by me, I lit up and glowed vibrantly. You were the sun that shown over me in the early mornings and late into the evening, you made my limited world of faults and dumb luck become a vast world of beautiful tragedies and glorious heart aces I couldn't stop letting have me. Can you even begin to comprehend how felt when you made love to me? I was in the sky, flying so far up, oxygen did not matter to me as long as I had you in my arms that night and the lucid nights that would follow. When my wings would waver, and bend too far under the pressure of the atmosphere, you told me to fall, come back down to earth and you, because the world was not something I feared anymore. The way someone looked at me, was not what I feared anymore. I did not fear the running of a fierce river or the thunderous gallop of a thousand untamed stallions. No, I feared you. "That's stupid." My mother would say to me. "Why are you afraid of a man who loves you, isn't this what you wanted?" Yes, it was everything I wanted and more. Which is why it was scary for me. You were something new to me. You were wild, untamed, and completely the opposite of me. I swear to God and all the other gods that people worshiped that was wouldn't lose you. That I would face you, love you, embrace you and embrace this person that I was profoundly infatuated with, that I would over come this fear and love....you. Holding nothing back. 

I did it too, and then, you....you seemed to decide I wasn't good enough. 

The way the room feels right now is foreign and cold. Waking up to an empty house with memories that bring nothing but misery to me now is not something I wanted. You have always been my greatest accomplishment, when I let you slip through my hands I thought I could always pick you up. Thinking that was a thought for a child. In my mind, we were still in love. You were still mine and I was still yours. The only one to hold your hand was me, and the only one to kiss you was me. I would marry you and we would grow old together like a clique fairy tale. I built up this tower brick by brick with wrongful hopes and dreams only for it to be knocked down by my own hand. It was my own folly that fucked this up. You were right to walk away. I was right not to stop you. Pulling myself together was the right thing in the moment. The next right thing to do was let myself shatter as soon as you shut and locked the door. I let myself break like a precious doll. I was no longer allowed to see your face every day, the feeling whipped and beat me, until I was degraded to nothing more than a name which I felt I no longer deserved to own. "Lee Taemin and Kim Jongin". You no longer heard people say that it was just "Lee Taemin" it was just "Kim Jongin and his hoes". Our names were no longer connected by the word “and". Such a powerful little word. I discovered very later on the power my own tongue and words held. I told myself not to let this be what I was known for; Kim Jongin's ex. My body was just a body now, no one inhabited it anymore. There was no reason for me to wake up, slip on my shoes, head to work, sort and file, head home, make dinner for one, instead of two, and then take a shower to clean myself of the filth I'd gathered up. You were not there. In that case, there was no need for water or food or sleep, I thought. I let myself wither away like a dying tree. I let the people cut me down and make me into something more useful. When my job was done I let them burn me and turn me into ash that would drift through the wind. I let all this happen to myself. There was no objections or contemplation. A life without you is no life. I let myself be guided out to the open air and drift. I've let myself give up but don't worry I'll be happier and better now. I hope you read this. I hope you know I'm sorry and I forgive you, but I also hope you remember me for what I was, more than a shy boy who hated crowds and loved easily but doubtfully. I was not enough to fill your heart I suppose, but you were enough to break mine. I'll be gone for a long time."

The man finished reading the letter to himself. Tears were threatening to drop any moment now. He felt the room spin and his knees buckle. It became harder to breathe, why was it so hard to breathe? His room suddenly was a dark void like space except there were no bright stars to guide him or planets for him to land on. There was only nothing.

 

 

(Warning: talks about depression and suicide, please don't read if you're easily triggered.)

"Taemin didn't kill himself because of me. It wasn't my fucking fault!" His voice echoed off the walls.

"You might've influenced it a little, did you not? You hurt him emotionally. I'm not saying he did because of you, but from what I understand Taemin was very much depressed before you two started dating. Even though he states he wasn't, he was. He also seemed to be obsessed with you. His parents gave a statement saying when he was younger he on several occasions tried to commit suicide and was almost successful twice. What you're trying to say is that he did it all because of you. You sound a little selfish. I know he loved you but let's not forget you cheated on him. When you did that, a little bit of the love he had for you probably left. That hole in his heart he desperately tried to fill by any means. Drugs, self-harm, addition, as I can see there were other things wrong with him. I'm putting this as nicely as I can. He thought you were his Nirvana, you were his freedom he was waiting for. And instead of standing by him in his obviously difficult time of need you left, literally. He turned back to what he knew. A life of hardship where he was constantly told he was worthless. As your therapist, it's my job to help you get better, but it's also my job to help you face what you've done. You're not going to jail, you're not getting sued by his parents, the only thing that's really going to happen to you is a guilty conscious. The least you could do is face what might've transpired because of your careless and lustful actions. You could've done more for him." Kyungsoo was stern about what he was saying, but he was also careful to have sympathy for both Taemin and Jongin.

"Can you please, just shut the fuck up. I know you think you know what I am feeling, but you have no idea. I did none of this to Taemin. I cared for him-loved him. You are no more than a doctor I am being forced to see. The only things you know are what you read in my file." His voice was hoarse and did a terrible job of trying to express what he meant. Jongin had just gotten his voice back from all the screaming and crying he did recently. He did not approach this situation in a very adult way at all. He locked himself away for a couple of days and refused to go to Taemin's funeral. There was no body found but it was certain Taemin was dead. Police suspected he jumped into the Han River or something more graphic like traveling out to the mountains and shooting himself and his body was dragged off by a wild animal, the notion made Jongin actually throw up. A 'Missing Person Report' was sent out, hoping that he just left the city. But it wasn't so, months later still nothing, so the tan male was here now trying to get over the whole thing.

Shit.

He felt like absolute shit. This whole thing was because of him, fuck what others said trying to make him feel better. He deserved all of this pain, deep down he knew he did.

"You don't want others to pity you but you're fine with pitying yourself?" Kyungsoo mumbled to Jongin, who was obviously deep in thought. "If it were up to me, you wouldn't get pity at all. Not even from yourself. I think you need to face this. Go to his grave, go to his family. Reconcile."

"Fuck you."

Jongin stood up and stormed out of the warm and dark room.

 

"No, I-I... I really did do this to him." He whispered.

 

 

 

1 Month Later

 

The 5 Stages of Grief

 

 

DENIAL

 

The knock was harsh and loud.

When the wooden door of his first lovers' parent's house actually opened, Jongin was startled.

Mrs. Lee was a beautiful woman in her early 50s. Her black hair had streaks of silver in it, making her look like the years had taken their toll on her. Her skin, which you could tell was once pearly white and smooth, now had wrinkles and spots. Instead of the youthful glow she had just months prior, she now looked exhausted and dead. She had eye bags so dark,it looked like she had been hit multiple times. Strangely she still looked so beautiful and she looked like; him.

"Jongin, what-what a surprise. Would you like to come in?" Her voice was what you would imagine dead roses sounded like. It once sounded like it was harmonious and beautiful, now she only sounded weak and old.

"No, I want to ask you something...." He looked down at his feet. Suddenly anything but this was more interesting.

"What is it dear?" She forced a smile on her plump lips, lips that were his. Her body was soon leaning against the door waiting for him to answer. She looked relaxed, she looked like she was used to waiting, she looked like this was the most eventful thing to happen to her since her son killed himself.

"I want to see Taemin's grave...and I want to apologize." His choked out the last part. It became so hard to think about the time he said Taemin. Mrs. Lee visibly flinched when her son's name came out of his ex-boyfriend of 4 years mouth.

"First, I'm sorry for not staying by him. I- I won't lie to you. I don't want you to think that I'm a liar. I was a cheater and a liar to Taemin but, I'm done lying and cheating. In the end, I thought I didn't love him anymore," he looked up at her eyes. She seemed like she was listening, she also looked to be holding back tears. "when it was all said and done, after 4 years of crazy love I had nothing left to give. I thought I didn't anyway. Your son was so in love with me, and I with him. He was too good for me. How ever fucked up he thought he was just know, I was more fucked up and selfish. He was perfection to me. He was too good for me. He deserved better. I was shit to him. I treated him like a prize the months before I left him. I was terrible to him, and he still loved him. When I say a prize..I mean I paraded him around like you would an animal you sell in markets. I kept him only for my pleasure. I "loved him" and he loved me. He genuinely loved me. I still can't wrap my mind around that..why me?" He laughed callously. "It destroyed him. For that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I couldn't love him until the end." Jongin was in tears. Mrs.Lee was in tears. "He-he was an angel. A surreal being. I'll never get to tell him how sorry I am. But I can tell you I'm sorry. After I cheated on him and then left him. His sanity broke. I couldn't fix him even if I tried. You know when a toy breaks, the toy maker usually knows how to mend it....I didn't know how to mend him. So I let him break even more because at the time I thought there was no saving him. But I could've saved him," he sobbed. "..fuck, I could've saved him, Mrs. Lee. And like a selfish bastard, I did not even show a bit of remorse. I thought I didn't love him anymore. Oh God, I love him so much. I love him so fucking much. It hurts. I should've gone back to him." His legs were wobbly, shaky, they suddenly felt weak. He fell down. "We could've been happy together. I could've been all he needs. From the start, I think I already was. Oh my god what did I do?!" She wrapped her arms around the boy that was crumbling. "I could've done him better. I failed him. I love him so much and he's gone. He fucking left me. He left me like a mess." He croaked. "He's better now, I know he is. I know he's finally happy, but he l-left me. He'll come back, right? This isn't a joke. I will go back home. Soon he will walk through our apartment. He'll tell me about his day, I will tell him I love him, we'll sit down on the couch and I will hold his small body close to me and whisper sweet nothings. We can be together again. Right?" Jongin was crying so deeply into her shoulder. His arms were wrapped around her waist squeezing her breathless. Mrs.Lee was fine with it. She understood. Jongin didn't grieve at all when Taemin first left. This was him breaking down the walls he built. This was him breaking down the tower her son and he built up. "I'm sorry." He choked through the loud sobs he let out every now and then.

"I know, I forgive you. And I'm sure he does."

 

ANGER

 

"Fuck, well look at you." He laughed. "All dead and shit. Fuck you. Fucking hell. You fucking angel. You're a fucking dick you know that. God, I fucking miss you. I want you back." He mumbled. Jongin was visiting Taemin. Mrs.Lee was trying not to get uncomfortable as she stood about 10 feet behind him. She's already said her goodbyes to Taemin.

"Get your ass out of there now. Come back now Taemin. Come back to me!" He stomped on the ground. Mrs. Lee was shaking now, the boy was making it harder for her to bear. Old emotions were resurfacing, they were becoming very difficult to suppress.

"Come back, so I can..make love to you..”he trailed off”...and hold you. I remember the first time I made you mine. You were the literal embodiment of perfection. Your mouth agape, hands gripping the sheets until your knuckles turned white. I fucked you so hard your legs still trembled and voice was still broken just 10 minutes after. I remember how for a couple of minutes it seemed you actually forgot how to speak because all you could do was let my name fall from those pretty lips of yours. Your lips that were bruised and swollen from my kisses and your biting every time I pounded into you just right. Your moans and my name. Music worthy of no award they give out these days. When I woke up that morning,” he whispered “I remember how it didn't seem real. You. You were actually real, and you were mine. Your pale skin looked beautiful in the 9 am sunlight. The fresh bruises on your neck and thighs stood out so well for you. I couldn't help but lick my lips and groan. You had so much power over me. A power you didn't even know was there. If you didn't go and fucking die I would've married you. If I wasn't such a dick I would've come back. I would've made love to you every night. I want you to come back so I can ruin you in every beautiful way possible. I want to marry you and have 3 fucking kids or more if you want more, we can have more. Taemin, my love, if you want me to fucking jump off a cliff I would do it. Fuck we could've been so good together. But I fucking ruined all of it." He laughed. "Fuck I ruined it!"

 

BARGAINING

 

Days later

"Taemin, come back and I'll be better. I'll be there. I won't ever cheat on you again. I will never lie to you, ever. We can start over. Just come back and I'll fix us. I want to see your smile again. I want to see you walk through our door as you drop the groceries on the counter, walk over to me and kiss me with passion. Please tell me about your day. Tell me about who pissed you off and who made you laugh the hardest. Tell me about your problems so I can fix them and solve them. Let me carry you to bed and have you spread your pretty long legs for me. I want to settle in between them again and fuck you senseless. Come back and we can have all this." He was calling Taemin's old phone number. The phone number that was discontinued. The phone number that was no longer being used by Taemin or anyone else. What could he do? If Jongin were a shark he would have been a damn shitty one. He would have given up on his prey and let himself starve. He had nothing left to give and nothing left for the blue ocean to take. He wanted to just stop swimming and sink.

 

 

DEPRESSION

4 months later

Jongin hadn't moved in days from his side of the bed. Occasionally he would reach over and try and find Taemin when he would drift off to sleep, but The Space was empty.

 

The Space was empty.

When he fell into a deep sleep finally after hours of not eating, drinking, pissing or sleeping; he dreamt.  
The planets orbit was redirected. It revolved around him, in and out. It circled around his heart, coursed through his veins and broke his bones. He was floating in an empty space within an empty space. He wasn't going to make it back down to earth, he knew for sure he would die on Mars.

Mars; the Roman god of war and destruction. He was ripping Jongin into bit and piece of the man he was. He felt the god pass him onto Pluto, the Roman god of death and riches. He felt Pluto tighten his grip around his ankles and arms, he was being pulled apart now, well what was left of him. No Jupiter or Neptune would save him. He would not feel the warm embrace of the god longed for the most; Taemin was a god to him. He sat far away from Jongin, he turned away when screams interrupted the quiet room. He let them demolish him and throw him back to the endless void of space. It was what he deserved. He deserved to suffer and hurt as Taemin had. No mercy should be shown to him. No, forgiveness would come his way. He should be cursed and thrown to hell. He should die and suffer over and over again. He should slip and not be picked up. Jongin let himself hurt and throw up the pain. The tears on his cheeks were not wiped away. They reminded him of what he was. A selfish bastard worthy of death himself.

He woke up and Taemin was still gone

"Come back to me..." He whispered into the ugly and rough night.

 

ACCEPTANCE

May 28, 20XX 4:37 am 1 year after Taemin's death

He was sleeping again and dreaming again. The world has forgotten Taemin, the police searches stopped, Mrs.Lee was okay, but Jongin was still mourning. He still was wrapping his close minded head around this whole situation.

1st POV

"I love you." The small boy mumbled into my chest. "I'll always love you, you know that." His breathing was uneven and still sounded shaky and broke from our earlier session.

"Yeah." The reply that came from me sounded flat. It sounded like I didn't want to be there. And I did not.

I no longer loved Lee Taemin.

I didn't think it him while at work. I thought about my bed and sleep and what the fuck was for dinner.

When we made love, only he responded like how you should. His muffled moans and intakes of breath were never wavering. The whole time he had his eyes closed, his head was thrown back, and hands gripping the white sheets we bought at a mall 2 hours from Busan. The sight to anyone else but I would've been erotic and beautiful. I was no longer in love with Lee Taemin. His body no longer took my breath away. His lips were no longer what I wanted. He was useless to me.

So what did it matter? He was a good fuck. Always spreading his legs like a good slut, eager to welcome my hot length into him. I stretched him so well. He loved me. He loved me physically and emotionally.

I loved Lee Taemin once upon a time. I loved the way he wouldn't shyly come up to me and ask a favor. I loved how he always wore stylish yet comfy clothes to be work. His body was beautiful and pale. I wanted to stain it with my dark marks and make him mine. I wanted to have his thin arms wrap around my neck, and I wanted his thick plump lips to be on mine. Taemin was that rare thing that only came around once in a person's life. I was determined for the longest time not to let him go. Once upon a time, we both felt the same way. He and I were insufferable together.

When the summer days dragged on and the hot sun burned my back his remained ever pale and ever soft. He was my baby. My everything. The nights would run up on us and stay for a while. We found ourselves in the bed, me on him, him on me. Our bodies molded together like clay at the potters. We were sculpted into a beautiful vase that would hold something equally as beautiful as our love.

I don't know the exact day I thought I didn't love him anymore. I can't remember the silly thought that raced through my head when I thought I would leave him. I don't want to remember. Fuck him. Fuck him, I fucking hate him. He's dead now and he got what he deserved-

3rd POV

Jongin shot up out of bed and ran to the blue bathroom. He fell to the ground and threw up what little was in his stomach. "Shut up!" He screamed.

His hands gripped his curly brown locks, pulling and ripping, trying to make the voice stop. "Please, I loved him, I was an idiot. He didn't deserve to fucking kill himself." The sob sounded like a broken record. Over and over again his body shook with the pure self-hate and pain.

"Fuck, he's really gone." He shook on the ground and laid in his stomach fluids. Here he was a mess, the effects of love and loss. He must've looked broken, he must've been screaming loud enough to where Taemin could hear him. Where ever the fuck his body was. Was he crying too?

 

The door creaked open and then the body came through it. The sobs were noticeable. The anguish radiated out of the room and seeped out the white door that was open. Inside the room was a mess. Sheets were torn from the mattress, pillows were at the foot of the king size bed. Shirts and underwear were everywhere. It didn't smell though, it smelt like burnt lavender candles and fresh laundry. Even at his worse Jongin still managed to wash and keep the house that Taemin and he owned together clean. The underwear was clean, it just wasn't folded and put away. The house was one of the few things they owned together. Of course, Jongin would keep it together and never forsake it.

The body walked into the room, turned to the right and beheld the sight.

"Oh Jongin, my baby." The voice was a whisper.

Jongin's head slowly picked up. He couldn't register the foreign voice. He looked over at the man who stood in the bathroom doorway. His hair was black now, his nose was still the same, and his lips were still plump as ever.

"Jongin my baby," he slowly came forward and kneeled before the frozen man.

"My baby, my baby. What have I done to you?" He asked himself.

"Taemin." He couldn't feel anymore. He'd hurt until he thought he couldn't hurt anymore, he cried until all his tears had dried up, he accepted and was trying to forget. Was this a fucking joke.

"Jongin, I-I. I had to leave for a while. I got help, I fixed myself because you couldn't fix me. I did this for me. It was better if you thought I had-"

"If I thought you had fucking killed yourself." Anger seeped into his muscles and bones.

"..y-yes." Taemin whimpered.

There was the silence that followed. For a moment Jongin had zoned out and thought he was having a nightmare again.

"May I touch you?" Jongin asked.

"W-what?"

"May I touch you? I don't believe you're real." Jongin sounded serious and firm.

"I suppose-" Jongins hand was on his shoulder feeling up and down, pinching the delicate skin which was covered by a black leather jacket.

"Jongin, that- please stop now."

"I'm sorry..."

"You're a mess." Taemin breathed out.

"My baby you're a mess," he repeated. "Let me clean you up."

Jongin complied. He let the man help him up and slowly pull the dirty clothes off of him.

When he was stark naked, Taemin eased him into the baby blue bath. He turned the faucet on, right between hot and cold. He settled back with Taemin behind him. Taemin scrubbed his back being sure to cover every bit with foamy white soap that smelled of lavender. He loved lavender, was that why Jongin kept that candle burning.

"I'm sorry." Taemin's voice erupted out.

"I should've told you what I was actually doing. I shouldn't have left you like that, out of nowhere. But it took a lot of strength to fucking leave you. And I'm proud of that. I'm proud that I fucking left you and got help for myself. I let you have me and I set no lines. I was so blinded by you, I was consumed with desire for you 24/7. That wasn't healthy for me, Jongin my baby." Taemin took shampoo on his hands and started running his fingers through Jongin's curly brown locks. "I helped myself for once, it was what I needed to do. All along I was only thinking of you because you were a king to me. I worshiped you." His voice was faint and calm. Jongin didn't realize he was leaning into the smaller boys touch. "It was good that I did that. I came back with a clearer head. I wanted to kill myself... I would have. Do you know what you did to me." He leaned down next to Jongin's ear. Jongin had dark eye bags, he hadn't shaved in weeks and skin wasn't looking beautiful and smooth like it once had. " I think you do. You know that when you simply breathed I fell in love all over again. Did you know that?" He wrapped his arms around his neck and snuggled into his shoulder. "I love you so much still. You wrecked me so bad. When you left me I did loose it. But Jongdae came to my house one day. He promised to help me, he promised to pay for a safe trip to America, one where no one would know. I would get help, see a therapist, take medication and become stable again. Everything fleeted; the pain, hurt and hate. My love for you stays constant. I only wish you returned that. I can't give myself to you again if you won't give yourself to me. This is a two-way thing; love."

Jongin pulled Taemin's arms off him carefully, he washed the shampoo out and quickly conditioned his hair in silence.

Taemin stood up grabbed a towel and pulled Jongin onto the sink, he slowly started drying him off working from the feet up.

Jongin's body wasn't anything new to Taemin. He knew every part of it. He knew how to effect the tan male in just the right way and he knew how to soothe him in just the right away as way. He was familiar with Jongin in every way possible.

Jongin kept starring at Taemin. Like he was afraid any moment he would disappear and actually die. Jongin started sobbing.

"I'm so sorry," he sobbed out. "Jongin, my baby." Taemin held the shaking man in his arms. He was naked vulnerable, letting out a sob he'd been holding in for that past 45 minutes felt good. For once in the past fucked up 1 year it felt good to cry.

"I missed you so much." He squeezed the black-haired man tighter. "I'm so sorry I fucked up over and over again. I took advantage of you, used and abused you. Leave me again, find someone better." He choked out loudly.  
"Jongin I don't want someone different." He hastily replied. "I want you. But this time I want all of you." He cupped his face kissed his cheeks, nose, and forehead. Just those kisses were enough to make Jongin shatter. "Jongin you're exhausted. Brush your teeth and climb into bed. I'll clean up in here. " Taemin walked out quickly and dug through his bag. He pulled out a white t-shirt and black boxer shorts.

The clothes in his hands were brought over to Jongin, who was finishing brushing his teeth with the mint tooth paste that looked like it had been bought months prior.

Taemin gingerly helped his lover slip the clothes on. Jongin insisted on walked into the bed by himself but about 5 feet away he slipped and Taemin caught him, helping him the rest of the way. "I'll go get a new cover and sheets for you." He picked up the pillows and took off the cover folding them in his arms and taking them to the laundry room. Next, to a hamper, there was a small cub board that held one white comforter and 2 sheets. The pillow cases were on a shelf above those items. The pale man reached out and grasped them, holding them close as he brought them back to the room Jongin occupied at the moment.

His love was already asleep. He looked more peaceful than he had the minutes before, he definitely looked cleaner and more refreshed. His legs were pressed against his chest making him look like a cat curling into a ball to sleep. Really, he did look helpless and small. The feeling was kind of for him. Now he knew how Taemin felt.

He brushed off the emotions real quick and walked over to the side of the bed. He didn't think Jongin wanted to be woken up so he just draped the sheet and comforter over him. Jongin noticeably relaxed at the warm feeling.

 

Taemin realized he was tired after staring at the equally tried Jongin.

 

His feet carried him back to the living room, where his small bag of belongs was, still left open. He zipped it and lugged it into the room. He didn't know if Jongin wanted him to stay, but he was tired and right now he didn't care. So he just left it by the dresser.He slowly peeled off his jacket, shirt and finally his tight ripped black jeans he got at a thrift store. He didn't look like much. He looked like one of those emo kids you see. The ones that go full on emo. The music the look the 'I want to die' aura. He got over himself and decided not to.

 

The floor was still covered in throw up. The throw up was glossy and clear like it was just water and a few other bits of food that were already broken down in Jongin's stomach. He sighed walked back out, now in his underwear and got the cleaning supplies he knew would be underneath the sink. The bucket full of warm water and the mop were a struggled for Taemin to get over. He never was the strongest person. Ever since he went to America he had gained a pound or two and gained muscle. They had him eat his food, work out a little to gain some much-needed muscle. And he took his medicine. Put that together and he actually was getting improvements. No one was really forcing him to get better. They encouraged it but ultimately it was Taemin that controlled all his feelings and thoughts. He wanted to get better, needed to get better so he could come back and show Jongin he didn't need him to survive. And that was the plan. To come back and say "Fuck you, I'm better off." But when he saw the state of his lover that plan broke and was trashed. Jongin needs him just as much as he needed Jongin. They really were meant to be together for better or worse. When he came back he felt good, he still felt remnants of the pain and sadness he felt in this house, in this town, in Jongin's arms. But they were forgotten. He was going to do it right this time. He was going to set boundaries, let his thoughts be known, and not let Jongin do what he did before. It wouldn't be easy. But that's what second chances were all about. Seeing if you could do what you did before but only better and successfully. Taemin was deep in his thoughts while he cleaned up, he didn't notice Jongin sit up out of bed, walk over (or stumble) and stand in the doorway, mimicking the way he did earlier.

"You're so beautiful..." he whispered. Taemin looked up and remembered he was half naked himself. He was still very self-conscious, even before around Jongin. He had to take some time to get used to the feeling of eyes actually looking at him. Taemin smiled.

"You look good, I never got to say that. You look like you gained weight and your skin isn't as pale, .. but still...just as pearly and smooth looking." He mumbled looking at the beautiful man.

"I worked on my appearance as well as my problems. If my looks are fixed maybe no one could tell I was really fucked up." He laughed and it made Jongin flinch a little.

"Were you happy without me?" Jongin inquired out of nowhere.

Taemin's smile faded and he finished mopping and picked up the bucket. "No, I was not." He said brushing by Jongin softly.

"1 year. I had one year to forget you and I tried my hardest. I was just about to get over you and then you pop back up like magic." Jongin said quietly.

"I had one year to forget you and I just could not bear that thought." Taemin turns and looked at Jongin. "Your voice, face, your touches. Your love and your hate. I couldn't let it go. That's why I came back. I thought at first I would come back, show you I was living and better off but, I can't now." He walked out of the room and into the kitchen. He dumped the dirty water out in the sink and washed out the mop. Jongin was in the same state Taemin left him in.

"Go lay down. I'll be out in a bit." He mumbled and coaxed Jongin back to the bed by lightly using his hands to guide him back.

Jongin fell asleep as soon as his back hit the bed. Taemin quietly walked back to the bathroom and turned on the water. He needed a cold bath to wake up his senses, but he also needed a hot one to relax. He stepped into the running water and shuttered. The door wasn't closed to the bathroom so the wet water on his skin and the fresh air made goose bumps appear all over his skin. Taemin pulled the curtain shut and sighed. This felt good, being here, relaxing. Finally, hell was over. Now they just needed to talk, settle things and come to an agreement. "What to do..." he mumbled to himself. "How will this really end?" He thought aloud.

 

 

He stepped out and dried off quickly. He just wanted to sleep. He didn't have time to wash his face, he just shoved a toothbrush in his mouth brushed a couple of times and then spit and washed out his mouth. He pulled on a black shirt from Jongin's drawer that was way too big for him and then he grabbed boxers from his suitcase. They were baby blue with little flowers on them. When he bought underwear he never bought them for style, he bought them so they would hold his junk properly and comfortably. No need to buy some fancy Gucci underwear shit.

He made his way to the bed and pulled back the covered. Jongin was snuggled closer to Taemin's side than to his own. A dip in the bed and he was in. Arms wrapped around him instantly.

Mothers have an instinct when around their baby's. Bears for example. They're very protective of their cubs. Always watching them, protecting them, feeding them when they can and showing them how to live on their own. Her body at night would keep her cubs safe and warm. Jongin felt like a bear and Taemin felt like a little cub. Jongin was keeping Taemin safe and warm, protecting him once again. Making sure he was getting love.

Jongin spooned Taemin from behind, his breath on Taemin's neck even and steady and soothing. His heart beat wasn't rapid, it had a good rhythm that had Taemin drifting into sleep. Taemin wiggled around a bit and turned to way Jongin.

The man's eyes were open and he was staring at him. Taemin slowly scooted forward and rested his head on his chest. Jongin held him and once again wrapped his strong arms around his lover, his angel, his everything. "Jongin my baby." He mumbled into his toned chest.

"Taemin I love you." The tan male replied. He was looking up, drawing a circle on the white ceiling. Circles, hearts, squares, triangles, and pentagons with his eyes.

"I love you too." Taemin sat up a little and leaned down placing his lips on the other's lips. The kiss didn't feel like a kiss until Taemin was half on Jongin and half off. They were too tired to do anything but kiss, and for some reason, kissing was as much as the two could do right now.

Breathless, drained and drunk on each other they pulled away.

Jongin held him tightly. "I'll never let you go. Ever."

"I would never let you walk away." Taemin closed his eyes and fell asleep the world finally going dark, the birds finally stopping their incessant chirping, and both their breathing becoming steady and in time.

 

 

.  
ACCEPTANCE PART2

May 28, 20XX 4:37 am 1 year after Taemin's death

He was sleeping again and dreaming again. The world has forgotten Taemin, the police searches stopped, Mrs.Lee was okay, but Jongin was still mourning. He still was wrapping his close minded head around this whole situation.

1st POV

"I love you." The small boy mumbled into my chest. "I'll always love you, you know that." His breathing was uneven and still sounded shaky and broke from our earlier session.

"Yeah." The reply that came from me sounded flat. It sounded like I didn't want to be there. And I did not.

I no longer loved Lee Taemin.

I didn't think it him while at work. I thought about my bed and sleep and what the fuck was for dinner.

When we made love, only he responded like how you should. His muffled moans and intakes of breath were never wavering. The whole time he had his eyes closed, his head was thrown back, and hands gripping the white sheets we bought at a mall 2 hours from Busan. The sight to anyone else but I would've been erotic and beautiful. I was no longer in love with Lee Taemin. His body no longer took my breath away. His lips were no longer what I wanted. He was useless to me.

So what did it matter? He was a good fuck. Always spreading his legs like a good slut, eager to welcome my hot length into him. I stretched him so well. He loved me. He loved me physically and emotionally.

I loved Lee Taemin once upon a time. I loved the way he wouldn't shyly come up to me and ask a favor. I loved how he always wore stylish yet comfy clothes to be work. His body was beautiful and pale. I wanted to stain it with my dark marks and make him mine. I wanted to have his thin arms wrap around my neck, and I wanted his thick plump lips to be on mine. Taemin was that rare thing that only came around once in a person's life. I was determined for the longest time not to let him go. Once upon a time, we both felt the same way. He and I were insufferable together.

When the summer days dragged on and the hot sun burned my back his remained ever pale and ever soft. He was my baby. My everything. The nights would run up on us and stay for a while. We found ourselves in the bed, me on him, him on me. Our bodies molded together like clay at the potters. We were sculpted into a beautiful vase that would hold something equally as beautiful as our love.

I don't know the exact day I thought I didn't love him anymore. I can't remember the silly thought that raced through my head when I thought I would leave him. I don't want to remember. Fuck him. Fuck him, I fucking hate him. He's dead now and he got what he deserved-

3rd POV

Jongin shot up out of bed and ran to the blue bathroom. He fell to the ground and threw up what little was in his stomach. "Shut up!" He screamed.

His hands gripped his curly brown locks, pulling and ripping, trying to make the voice stop. "Please, I loved him, I was an idiot. He didn't deserve to fucking kill himself." The sob sounded like a broken record. Over and over again his body shook with the pure self-hate and dismay.

"Fuck, he's...really g-gone." He shook on the ground and laid in his stomach fluids. Here he was a mess, the effects of love and loss. He must've looked broken, he must've been screaming loud enough to where Taemin could hear him. Where ever the fuck his body was. Was he crying too?

The door creaked open and then the body came through it. The sobs were noticeable. The anguish radiated out of the room and seeped out the white door that was open. Inside the room was a mess.Sheets were torn from the mattress, pillows were at the foot of the king size bed. Shirts and underwear were everywhere. It didn't smell though, it smelt like burnt lavender candles and fresh laundry. Even at his worse Jongin still managed to wash and keep the house that Taemin and he owned together clean. The underwear was clean, it just wasn't folded and put away. The house was one of the few things they owned together. Of course, Jongin would keep it together and never forsake it.

The body walked into the room, turned to the right and beheld the sight.

"Jongin? What are you doing on the ground?" Kyungsoo's voice was full of concern and a little bit of fright.

He looked up from his spot on the dirty floor. "Realizing shit." He growled this out in a rough voice. He picked himself up and started taking his clothes off. He needed to a cold shower.

Kyungsoo felt a blush creep up onto his cheeks, watching intently. "Your house isn't a mess, but why are you a mess?" He took in a deep breath. "I know it's been some,.. some time since he died. Obviously, he will never come back. You stopped coming to our sessions, all I got was a note from my secretary...I hope you are okay...He's not going to come back." He repeated.

"Shut up.... I know... and I'm doing better. I just had a nightmare about him, a couple of minutes ago."

"That's the first time you haven't told me to shut the 'fuck' up. So progress." He chuckled a little.

"I have some news," Jongin stepped into the shower and turned on the water, attempting to drown out Kyungsoo's words. Words he knew in his heart. He didn't want to hear them.

"They found Taemin's body. It washed up on the beaches of Jeju.." his voice broke at the last part.

Jongin couldn't help it. His legs just buckled and he fell down on the slick floor. Kyungsoo, being a worried friend, rushed over. He'd gotten close to Jongin over the months he had him as a patient. He admitted he was a handsome man, but he was damaged goods. Kyungsoo didn't want to get involved in that sort of way. The smaller man loved some one else. He just wanted to help Jongin find his way again.

"He's actually- he's really gone!" Jongin wailed into the smaller man's arms that were now pulling him out of the shower and into his lap. He didn't mind being soaked and there was no arousal that he felt in this. Jongin was grieving and crying. There was nothing sexual or hot about this. This was the messy truth that he was fucked up and obviously was trying to pull himself together. But it was hard and Kyungsoo understood that. The aching feeling in your chest when you loose someone was familiar to him.

"Shhh shhh shhh." He stroked his back and rocked him back and forth.

"Kyungsoo I miss him. Fuck I miss him so much." He sobbed even louder than before. "I never thought I'd ever miss someone so much."

"You miss him now, but soon I know you'll be able to move on. Acceptance takes time. He's not coming back, we at least know he's a little bit happier."

"He's dead how happy can that be."

"There's peace in death. I violent death or a quiet and lonely death; I always thought there was this long silence where you just think about your life. It's so calm too. No pain and suffering, no greedy men, no lustful thoughts, and of course no joy. There's just you and the void." Kyungsoo was still stroking Jongin's back and trying to get him to become less upset.

"I think you need to rest. You look worn out." He smiled warmly at the tan man in his arms.

"Can you get dressed by yourself?" A nod of Jongin and Kyungsoo was helping him to the dresser.

"I have some headache medicine in my bag, it's in the car. Will you be fine while I go get it?" Jongin meekly nodded again.

"Okay... I'll be right back."

The sound of his feet against the wooden floor disappeared after a few seconds that felt that years to Jongin. He opened the drawer that had underwear messily folded and a few shirts and boxers. He slipped his underwear on with anything but ease, the shirt was also the same way; difficult and tricky to simply put on. He ached, he hadn't realized that until a couple of minutes ago. He was too busy drowning in all of the shit that had happened to him and Taemin. He could not change it, even if suddenly he was granted a wish, it would not be the same. There would only be endless rain and lightning.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because there is little quality Taekai fanfiction out there. I would like to think this is good but my writing will improve over the years so maybe i will look back on this and think, "Wow, this is shit." But oh well, thank you for reading my story/stories. I'll try to get better and I hope you enjoyed this short story. I feel like it needs a more to it so it might need to be edited over time. Constructive criticism is very much welcome, so please in the comments tell me what I might be able to fix or change up to make the story better. Again thank you. This is on my wattpad as well @/huimygod.


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